I don’t think I’ve always been self conscious. But, from the point where you think it starts to matter. In middle school, I remember always thinking that I wanted to look like somebody who wasn’t me, and I’d obsess over it. I’d obsess over other girls, and the way that other girls looked, and the way other girls bodies were, or hair were, or even their makeup. It’s funny because I look back now at middle school me... and I was so skinny back then. I definitely feel like the way that people dressed got them attention in middle school, so I would dress in certain ways.

   It’s interesting because I used to be negative about my body, and then I started dating people, and I became more positive about my body. After having sex for the first time, I think I felt a lot more positive about my body, because I felt beautiful. I felt more comfortable in my own skin, because I felt like somebody else had seen me, loved me, and wanted me, despite the flaws.  It’s improved how I think about myself and how comfortable I am, especially with my boyfriend, Ane. My relationship with Ane has improved the way that I see body more than any other person. It’s funny because the things that I’m insecure about are the things that Ane loves. I’m insecure about my tummy, and he always says he loves it.

   I feel like my body is made up of fingerprints of other people, their opinions and actions. I’m like this piece of clay, and everybody that touches the clay leaves a fingerprint, and the way that I see my body. Not necessarily what I look like, but the way that I perceive myself. The things that my Dad said to me when I was younger, and men in general influence the way that we as women perceive ourselves. If we didn’t have that expectation to live up to with men, then we wouldn’t feel as insecure.

   My low point is after me and my old boyfriend broke up, and he had sex with another girl, and he told me that she was skinnier than me. I asked him, granted. I asked him that question, but it was him saying “ya, she was skinnier than you”, when I felt the lowest with the relationship with me and my body. I’m not as fit as I could be, I have extra weight on me. My mom influenced me a lot. I grew up with her telling me “Mandee you could have such a great body if you were in shape”. She was basically telling me “you have so much potential to have a beautiful body if you just tried”. I’ve always thought that I was lucky to have natural curves, but it’s always felt “not good enough”. When I was growing up and I would wear certain things she would say “Mandee, why are you wearing that? I would be embarrassed.” Because it showed more skin than she was comfortable with. It had more to do with what she liked than what actually looked good on my body, but it definitely affected me. A lot.

    I would probably tell my younger self that the way that you feel about your body should come from you. Not from the way that other people treat your body or treat you. Other people will do things to you, or say things to you, that you feel like have to do with you and your body. But those things have more to do with them, and not you. They shouldn’t affect you or your perception of yourself.